Three years ago I thought I found my perfect boyfriend.  He did everything I loved; splurging on dozens of roses especially ordered for me, taking me out on dates, complimenting me like crazy, he made me feel awesome.  Although he was a druggie, an alcoholic, had tanking grades and didn't know what to do with his life, I belived I could help him and love him.  Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and although we had some minor bumps in the road, everything was lovely. 

Our second Christmas together, he called me from his brand new cell phone, eager to tell me that he had a new communication tool.  The first thing that I said to him on his cellular was "Don't get wrapped up in that phone, most people cheat with them!", and of course his retort was something to the effect of 'I love you babe, we're gonna be together forever, you don't have to worry about that!'. 

Sometime in the middle of January I was called out of my Science class to my school's guidence office by my best friend.  I was walking upstairs and she came bounding up after me saying "I have something that'll change your life forever.. ", I was thinking she was going to tell me about a super cool scholarship or something.  So when she had me seated in the hallway, and dropped the "Your boyfriend is cheating on you with your worst enemy" bomb, I went into absolute hysterics.  I had no idea, and with my worst enemy?  What are people going to think?  How did I not see that coming?  What was he doing these past nights when he got off the phone with me?  Why me?  Why didn't he tell me himself?  Asshole.  Why would he DO this to me?  

My mind was racing so fast, my throat was closing in on me as if my body knew I couldn't live without him.  The guidence councilor heard me sobbing, my bestie trying to comfort me through her own tears, and ushered me into her office where she prompted me on what was happening.  I said that I had to talk to him, I wouldn't talk to her unless I could talk to him.  The guidence councilor tried to reach his classroom, but apparently he wasn't there.  After half an hour of trying to find him, he walked into the small room I was sobbing in.  His head was bowed as if praying to some higher power, he sat down opposite me and the guidence councilor left.  My whole body was shaking, I looked at him through tearstained eyes and asked "Is it true?".  When he didn't answer, I asked again, and again, and as his own eyes filled up with tears then spilled over, I had my answer.

He said that he felt confined and didn't know what to do, so he started talking to her.  I asked him why he didn't say anything to me, I thought you loved me, I thought we were going to be together forever, you promised you'd never do this.  All he could do was cry and occasionally look at me.  I asked him if this meant we were over, and he said "I don't know".  That was probably the hardest thing that I have ever had to process. 

Looking back a year later I definitly should have dumped his ass right then and there, and held my head high.  But no, he was my life.  I took him back, I punched the one he was going to have sex with and that prompted office referrels and much more drama. 

It was the last weeks of school and summer was looming.  My parents had just gotten back from a triathlon camp and they were estatic: a new boy, (my age!) was into our triathlon club.  And he was cute.  And he was fast.  Swoon.  The next day I met him.  We oggled eachother.  I told my boyfriend about him and he was instantly envious.  He said "You better not do anything with him", and of course I fired back with a "Oh you'd recognize the signs of cheating, wouldn't you?".  Zing

Out of nowhere one day, he said "We need a break".  That's it, four simple words and he was gone.  Now, I'm a stubborn person so I didn't accept that, so I kept persuing him, making me get hurt more and more each day.  Luckily I had some amazing girls to comfort me with every tear I shed, and after about a week of getting nowhere I decided to give him up once and for all. 

Now, remember that guy I oggled that my parents hooked me up with?  Yep, we went on a date.  Ironically the first date consisted of my Child Studies electronic baby, so he had to endure all of the glaring looks from old men thinking that he was a teenage father.  This boy was unlike anything I have ever known.  Remembering the other guy, our relationship was based on intimacy, and making eachother feel good, if you know what I mean.  Talking to the new boy was like having a conversation with myself, he was that easy to talk to.  He was the first boy whom I've wanted to bring home to mom and dad without thinking twice.  He has the same interests as me, he gets good grades, he has a university plan, and a career path he wants to go down.  He is beautiful in every way, except sometimes he lacks in the emotion department but I can handle that. 

Reminiscing, my advice to all of you love struck teenagers is that your relationship with your significant other won't last.  Sorry, but I've been there in paradise thinking everythings beautiful.  I know firsthand what it feels like when everything comes crashing down and you have no idea what to do.  Don't take your relationships too seriously, live life.  Don't go shopping for your wedding dress when your 17, the guys get scared by that.  When things get questionable, view over your ideal traits that your signo should have, if their not cutting it cut them; they're not going to change.  The most prominent thing that I've discovered is to not make someone else your everything, and don't bank on being together forever.  Don't get blind-sighted by love, step back out of your shoes and view the world from anothers perspective. 

I'm so proud of myself; I actually lived this year, a billion times moreso than the past.  The worst possible thing happened, I was devestated and almost didn't make it.  I always knew we were never going to be together forever yet I didn't want to be the one that said "I told you so".  I stood up to someone whom I've hated with a passion for as long as I can remember.  I forgave.  I joined track.  During my first road race of the season, I obtained my first medal.  I met you on May 4th.  My parents were right; I sincerely thank you.  I hurt more than I ever did in my entire life, yet I grew as a person.  Even though nobody knows, You were the person I ran to because I knew we would be together.  I had my baby Ellie.  I trusted my instincts fully.  I lost one of my ladies and it devestated me more than anyone will ever know.  I was scared shitless many a time.  I made new friendships and rekindled others.  I was scared to love you because of my own stupidity.  For the first time in my life, I made a commitment I actually WANT to keep.  I think my IQ grew.  I lost those last 5lbs.  I volunteered at Triathlon Nova Scotia over 100 hours this summer and loved every minute of it.  I hate a school I used to love so much.  I came consecutively 7th in cross country and couldn't have been happier.  I took it.  I didn't believe you could run 21k, but when you did I almost cried I was so proud.  When I heard “you’re the cut-off!” my heart hit the ground, not because I was the cutoff, but because the girl a tenth of a second ahead of me was. I went to Forever 21. We got in a huge fight. I got my oxygen concentrator; it was the best present I have ever gotten. I got fed up. We’re better friends now, and I love you dearly, but I don’t want to leave you by yourself next year ..you might be the reason I stay. I had a The Hills moment. I mistakenly wasn’t a vegetarian for 3 weeks, whoops! You made me more independent. I have lived every second. I have loved truly. I have laughed till i cried.

love,,
happy new year :)



most photos courtesy of vintage_nights

kay, so i went on tons of xanga sites, and i found oodles of backgrounds, specifically.  i just wanted to store these on here, so bare with me.
shout out to all those who made these, their gorgeous



 
   

    

 frig, doesn't it suck when your significant other goes to a differnt school, and you hardly ever see eachother?  just make sure if you do go down that path, HAVE A CAR.  or a massive long-distance phone plan.
hearts !
p.s, i love how we get into silly fights about running, when i know that your capable of anything

I love it when i scream in your face
and you just walk away,
never to be seen again

 
 
 

   so i had some fun today.
i also had a change of heart towards graphic design.  I'm missing it a lot, therefore i'm powering up the ol' Photoshop, and making use of my spare time with some creative-ness.
enjoy, love.



these were made by me.
other's to follow.

 a thousand times i've seen you standing
gravity like a lunar landing; make me want to run till i find you